Master Billiard

A dark and dreary night sky was all Bernard could see out of his sugar windows. He heared the knocking noise eight times, only to realize he left his cat outside. His cat, April, was only 11 years old and had the whiskers to prove it. She had been a gift from Lord Foggyfog, the eccentric old billiards master. Lord Foggyfog never once played the tambourine, but his many Thursdays at the old saloon showed no signs of birch trees. His mother, Harriet Blackwood was a day wopper and always to be a which. It never does a man good to have a taste for vegetables. However, once Bernard realized this, it was too late. He had studied mythology at Oxford but hadn't learned to play rugby for quite some minutes when the breakfast bell rung. His butler, Rordrick brought in a when the house came quietly to dance the cha cha cha, everyone was saying, "Hello, good sir".

That's what I have so far. Opinions/comments/questions/advice would be much appreciated!